Monday, June 28, 2010
I have been nursing Lily for 25 days and I consider myself successful! However the fever I had for four days has dried my milk up significantly, and now we are struggling again. She shakes her head away at each feeding and pushes back from me as I try to latch her back on, she knows there is nothing but a trickle for her anymore. It is very frustrating, since I continued to feed through being sick and feeling miserable to make sure my milk stayed in, and it is leaving anyways. I have avoided saying too much about breastfeeding here because I don't want to invited too much outside advice on the this subject that is sensitive for me. I have my sister-in-law Natalie who has been a ton of help and we are working of getting my milk back, but at this point I just want to say I made it to a month. Ever since I decided that Johnny would be formula feed I have felt horrible about the decision, and not because it wasn't best for us and didn't work out wonderfully in our favor, but because society tells me I am a bad mother if I don't sell my soul to breastfeed, and I must always defend my decision by prompting "my husband was in Iraq."
I understand the benefits to both of us, even if I haven't truly seen them in action yet, and I understand how convenient it can be, but I have tried harder this time because I have a romantic vision in my mind's eye of bonding between mother and baby. These sweet moments of connection where baby is nursing and looking into Mom's eyes and Mom plays with baby's little fingers and they both feel something that they carry into their future together. That moment is what I am still waiting for, that every mother I know who has done this long term has spoken of.
I greatly miss the schedule Johnny was on and how relaxed we both where knowing he was full and getting enough to eat, but why then do I still beat myself up about him not getting enough breast milk? He did get it for two full weeks! And I have put Shawn in a very tough position. He has listened to me beat myself up about not breastfeeding Johnny for 2 years and there fore is pushing me to fight and keep nursing Lily. However he also sees how frustrating this situation is and wants to make it all easier on us, but he is, as always, balancing the two well.
Thanks to Papa this sits in our cabinet for supplementing, because they know how important Organic for baby is to me, but how expensive it is! But there is nothing more free or Organic then breast milk, if you have it.
As my blog has become a journal and baby book system for my children I just wanted them to know how important every aspect of their lives are to me and how seriously I take every decision that involves them. Because nothing is more important to me then they are.